6 years of suicide

Well today is the anniversary of my mother death so naturally one is to be down and out.  As you may or may not have guessed i that from what little information i have given that my mom killed her self and it has been 6 years since. Right my topic of thought today is suicide and the feelings so if your interested stay tuned if not then do what you will ( and your right you don't need my permission to do as you wish). So strap in and be perceptive because im going to take you back to the day it happened. 

So you wake up and not to sound cliche or what not but it feels like a good day sun shining and you just have that up beat feeling that life is going to be swell today... yes swell. Dads on the couch a little different he's usually at work by this time so you ask "morning dad. What are you still doing here?" He says " I'm going to drive you to school today". You give him a weird look and say " ok kool" and go off to eat breakfast and get ready. So your done say that your ready to go and then dad says " i don;t think your going to school today son" and you quark your head side ways and go why? A small gleam of glee in your eye, thinking "awesome!" He doesn't say anything then you ask again thinking " is some thing wrong?" then he tells you to sit down because this is going to be a shock so I'm a little "uh k how bad can it be" and sit down on the carpet cross legged giving my ut-most attention. Slight pause neither of you say anything then he speaks in fast forward mode "your moms died" and it happens so fast and shocks you so hard you just think "wait, what.... Huh i didn't hear that right" and you say what!? well those emotions just come to the front line ready to display them selves. He say it again but this time you hear it and see that he means it. You can see it in his body language, eyes and feel it in his voice. The emotions don;t show they just disappear and you fall over in shock just so confused and lost not in control of you body it just slumps over and you weep dad comes over and hugs you and you cry for a bit then when you gather your self up you ask how? I mean the worst it could be (at the age of 13) is murder right? Well it turns out she killed herself and that's all he says and you don;t ask with what or how because it's just such a foreign idea, taking ones own life. But it clicks before you can udder the words what!? are you for real? like your not playing the worlds worst prank or anything? Because there's no sense of funny in the air at all. For me i pushed my father away and went on a wrecking spree flailing about in confusion and anger trying to figure out wtf is going on right now! but quickly lose my energy to cause damage and walk back to my room leaving dad on the floor weeping and slept. Slept for 2 days not saying a word to nay one and only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom no food no water just blank laying in my bed. Till i came to the conclusion that she wasn't really gone and that she had really just hidden her self from every one (not turned invisible just went some were) and then proceeded to eat and drink and talk to dad finally rather then being non responsive. i don't remmeber what we talked about but i ended up going to town and just hanging around with him as he did stuff. some days go by and your quite nulled in what you do not talking much not doing much just the basics and when ever you think it's about the person who's gone away and didn't tell you. Even when you sleep you dream about meeting them in some random place in some random vehicle at some random older age and being so mad but so glad that there still alive. But you awake and there still gone though you've convinced yourself that they are really just in the world some were beyond your contact and aren't dead and you would rather feel abandoned then feel the idea of death. 2 weeks later you have relatives meeting for the funeral which is just at your moms moms house so grandmas. They've cremated her and put her on a table so that everyone can read the note she left and leave small tokens. You brought no tokens to leave though and feel horrible and continue to delude yourself to the fact that you mom is in a 2 ft tall ceramic jar reduced to ash and continue to play in your mind that these people are all out to get the last laugh on you and your determined to destroy this stupid morbid prank. But when grandma starts to hand you paintings she did and her possessions, your delusion is shattered but only momentarily. You cry, hug grandma, hug dad and gather youe poise all in 5 mins and depart back home were some friends of your parents are waiting with condolences but after 10 mins of it you grow tiered of their sorrys and i hope your doing alright. 2 weeks later your back at school and your friends are asking you why you were gone and all these questions, you tell them straight up and they all look at you like you have some cancer and ask if your alright and you nod your head smiling your delusion hiding the reality because you think you will find them one random day, at some random place, at some random hour. you continue on till your birthday which is were really you think "she's gunna call and say happy birthday and things will be well" ^^ *happy face* but at 3 in the morning you fall asleep crying because no call and your delusion becomes a little weaker. You keep going stopping only when other dramas of life spring up and deal with them other then that you think most things are as should be until your friends start getting girl friends and boy friends and start feeling like you should have wants and needs like you did when you were younger only applied to people. You don;t really care about anything and when some one pays attention to you and say's you good looking or they like you go "thanks, your nice to" smile and make small talk and leave not dropping any hints.... nothing. You don;t care about sports or doing things with your family your friends are on your list because they are your friends but you don;t go out of your way to hang around and have some good old fun you just keep going doing everything as close to standard as possible so as to spend your time thinking about stuff.. anything that crosses your mind. Your what ever age you are and you still don't really know what you believe in the sense of what happened that day part of you says yea she's dead. Well some of you still tries to delusion you into thinking she's still kicking some were. you go on till finally one day you see that, that event changed you quite harsh to the point were you have multiple you's in your head but not the schizophrenia idea just that your thoughts have split up depending on what they are based on. They don't talk but just surface for certain situations and hide away for others. At this point you are determined to just be happy you cut ties from all people except a select few that have been there for you and with you for long time and have the ut most trust in you and you in them. 
Suicide, it's like throwing a grenade into the group of people that loves you.

For me the shrapnel is still in my heart but just covered up

wow i'm getting quite scattered now...

K well i'll close with that it's such an experience that will either destroy you completely or make you quite righteous and if you have any questions to ask me because like i said i got very scattered >.> i guess that's why I'm not a professional story teller >

beauty and light

Hey-o! once again i was thinking well in a scattered mood and found my self out side my work bowl of beef barley soup in one hand and some green tea straight up in the other ( now you may be wondering i was eating soup well drinking tea at the same time... or not/but i was more drinking then eating) and was thinking about beauty seeing as how that's what everyone wants/wanted/hates/hated at least once in their life. K so same old reasoning that it's how you see things is how it is determined in value (personal value that is) hence the "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" ya ya cliche so what, you wanna fight about it, no for real peace and love (side note i love the art of fighting but hate fighting.) so ANY way as any man would think about beauty it starts with thinking about the person to spend your life with, or it does for me... hmm i should check into that (maybe laughter hmm). So this marvel of thought got me thinking of what is the logic of beauty and so i rejected the usual conclusions i drew for myself and started anew on the topic of beauty. I started by pondering what we compared to the word beauty so of course it starts with flowers, love, kids, life, eyes, color, contrast ect... but what stood out a lot in yet another very cliche manner was the moon and stars. Many a times guys use the moon and stars as objects of boundless beauty or to charm a person (usually lady but i wouldn't doubt it's been used on a guy). Now i thought what on earth in our human heads makes these objects so beautiful and at first i thought it was the mystical quality of the unknown but figured that was to common a thing to be quite correct or the answer i am looking for, either or works. Simply put it has to do with hope! Now you may be thinking "why captain what does hope have to do with beauty" ( or once again not thinking that(captain is due to my name in case you didn't pick that up "captain corsair")). The light in a very dark place ( night light) that is all stirring in us since we were wee tots (kids) which in a more grown up sense transfers over to when you have another that you "love" ( i use quotes here for a reason i'll explain in a later topic) and care for and does the same for you the intellect and emotion becomes a light in a very endless place (the universe(if it is endless)). So ideally fear is warded off and replaced with beauty (not a bad trade) simply by the presence of light. So the stars are beautiful because they are a source of light in a mass of void nothingness giving us hope, like wise for the moon. In the case of material beauty like gems metal and colors all that has to do with light and how it reflects. Diamonds just so happen to be Representative of a star because it is small and reflects light well reminding us of the stars (maybe not conscienclly i might add) this also may have an effect on human behaviour but i am not knowing and it is way off topic. In the case of the sun being the source of all natural light here on earth why is it never depicted in writing or language as easily or sensually? My reasoning is that the sun at one point must have been considered such a marvel that it jumped up a notch on the scale of respect so it is not used to compare our self's since it is much to awesome ( please for effect think of awesome as awe some hence inspiring awe). Jumping to a biblical spectrum for a moment. We humans were created in the image of god (that's what is written and as i have stated before this is an un-biased blog to the best of my potential) so being a reflection we describe ourselves with the beauty of things that are reflections. Makes sense... at least i think so. So in conclusion what  am saying (i think i am saying) is that beauty is the reflection of light or how we see light and how it catches or eye... But you may or may not bethinking "what about music? and sound in general why is that beautiful?" well in all honesty i don't know yet but i suspect it has to do with knowing there is more then just us in this existence and that links us to find another to be loved by or with sparking hope. 

P.s. i believe whales sing to communicate and so do other animals and that is what triggers that idea. 

walking the planks of thought your captain 

    

   Cpt.Corsair

- Intro -

So by the display and my name you may think I'm a pirate finatic... well i guess it's half true but any way i most likely won't be using this space for pirate like purposes, at least not that often. Any who what i post here is by any means open for discussion ( btw, a bit off on my spelling but i take creative licensing on it so it's fair game :P) which could also mean i would mostly enjoy feedback, no way eh half human interactions only negative on the physical being, emotive state, empathic waves, vibes, sound and any other things our world hasn't managed to digitalize yet. So i guess i should find out if people can just jump on here by chance before i do this type of stuff but o well leap first think later :D! OK so the purpose behind this blog is basically journal/thought dumping, assuming i keep it up long enough (har har har(and har har some more for those who thought dirty thoughts))

So as my first blog post ever i will talk about... (spins a big wheel of similar to the price is rights dollar wheel)

Why people need a heaven and hell to do the right things...



K so this occurred to me one night well i was laying awake at some odd hour before sun rise. So we have this crazy concept called religion. This concept ( i use concept so as to produce the littlest amount of chaos caused by people who either don't or do believe this thing called religion( i will not state my beliefs for the purpose of an un-biased blog)) all seem to have some place similar to heaven and hell. Some not quite called that exact word but needless to say something along those lines is drawn out. Also we get this handy rule book telling use what to do which doesn't bother me per-say so long as they are not hurting others ( if there was a humanitarianism party in the government I'd vote for them :P *random spiel*). K so example time I'm going to hit up some rules from Christianity and lets say Buddhism. Dharma wheel 8 rules 

- 1. Right view: basically look at things as are and not in taint. example, men and ladies are beings of nature and have there own free will exetera, not sex toys, mules, food ect...

-2. Right intention: so what you are thinking about when you act and how you act after thinking. Example is a soldier is told to go shoot the civilian prisoners (keep in mind these are examples and not real life situations, yes I'm talking to you extreme word twisters/abusers) he either gladly goes and shoots them with little disregard or care. He either hesitates knowing what he is doing is wrong but knows some one else will do it if he doesn't, that and he will lose his job and have a dishonorable discharge as a coward or he tells his Sergeant he cannot do that and deals with the "punishment" but has chose not to kill. so he intends to either follow orders with no real care (tainted thought(bad karma)), hesitating which suggests he doesn't want to do this but does and regrets it ( still not so good but a step in the right direction) or last refuses and takes the "punishment" (good karma (not taking life))

-3. Right speech: basically don't lie

-4. Right action: not killing, stealing or engaging in not so good sexual activity (picking up random chicks for one nighters basically and/or hooker hook ups)

-5. Right livelihood: basically not selling people, meat, poisons ( including narcotics( yes that's booze (yes beer, vodka, whisky, rum ect...)))

-6. Right effort: not being lazy, turning a blind eye or the uprising of evil.

-7 Right mindfulness: putting aside tempting emotions like greed, lust, hate and producing a bare attention of the world so as to bring forth the best answer to a problem or event. 

-8 Right concentration: Focusing in and giving up joy and bliss so as to not feel anguish and sorrow. My guess on this is that if you have joy you have sorrow so to have a content balance is to not dwell in these emotions.

so that's the dharma wheel (please if i have something wrong please send me the facts and i Will gladly change anything that is proven not quite as is said here) now doesn't this have a lot in common with the commandments of Christ? Hell doesn't that have alot in common with something called human decency? I mean we bitch about having government and laws and even have some people thinking anarchy is awesome because they can do what ever they want well in a sense if we all had the decency enough to work together we wouldn't need law and government so really it's mankind's me myself and i and maybe her/him over there attitude that has bestowed that up us. K that was off topic so back to topic. Some were along the lines we decided that this wasn't important i guess and was only worth while if there was a reward at the end of it all and some even went so far as to go yea if you actually do the thing that damns you you just need to say your sorry keep up an act for awhile and your white as snow ready to go again... *repeatedly smashes head on desk* sigh... That kinda leads me to believe its all a hawk of shit this heaven and hell thing if it's that easy... fuck, fight, kill, rinse, repent, repeat and your comfy and cool till judgment day.. even past that till the end of existence so why bother right? O well people will be people and the world still goes round but I'm just saying is it really that hard to just be a good person and do away with all that system of crap and corruption? I will admit that some days aren't as easy as others but there's always a tomorrow whether your dead or just getting out of bed.

so there you have it i hope that wasn't to hard on you or a waste of time I'm just dumping and as they say one mans garbage is another mans treasure in this case it could be another mans spiel is another mans brain stimulater... or complete wtf back button, o this looks better.

   Cheers

      Till next time!