So you wake up and not to sound cliche or what not but it feels like a good day sun shining and you just have that up beat feeling that life is going to be swell today... yes swell. Dads on the couch a little different he's usually at work by this time so you ask "morning dad. What are you still doing here?" He says " I'm going to drive you to school today". You give him a weird look and say " ok kool" and go off to eat breakfast and get ready. So your done say that your ready to go and then dad says " i don;t think your going to school today son" and you quark your head side ways and go why? A small gleam of glee in your eye, thinking "awesome!" He doesn't say anything then you ask again thinking " is some thing wrong?" then he tells you to sit down because this is going to be a shock so I'm a little "uh k how bad can it be" and sit down on the carpet cross legged giving my ut-most attention. Slight pause neither of you say anything then he speaks in fast forward mode "your moms died" and it happens so fast and shocks you so hard you just think "wait, what.... Huh i didn't hear that right" and you say what!? well those emotions just come to the front line ready to display them selves. He say it again but this time you hear it and see that he means it. You can see it in his body language, eyes and feel it in his voice. The emotions don;t show they just disappear and you fall over in shock just so confused and lost not in control of you body it just slumps over and you weep dad comes over and hugs you and you cry for a bit then when you gather your self up you ask how? I mean the worst it could be (at the age of 13) is murder right? Well it turns out she killed herself and that's all he says and you don;t ask with what or how because it's just such a foreign idea, taking ones own life. But it clicks before you can udder the words what!? are you for real? like your not playing the worlds worst prank or anything? Because there's no sense of funny in the air at all. For me i pushed my father away and went on a wrecking spree flailing about in confusion and anger trying to figure out wtf is going on right now! but quickly lose my energy to cause damage and walk back to my room leaving dad on the floor weeping and slept. Slept for 2 days not saying a word to nay one and only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom no food no water just blank laying in my bed. Till i came to the conclusion that she wasn't really gone and that she had really just hidden her self from every one (not turned invisible just went some were) and then proceeded to eat and drink and talk to dad finally rather then being non responsive. i don't remmeber what we talked about but i ended up going to town and just hanging around with him as he did stuff. some days go by and your quite nulled in what you do not talking much not doing much just the basics and when ever you think it's about the person who's gone away and didn't tell you. Even when you sleep you dream about meeting them in some random place in some random vehicle at some random older age and being so mad but so glad that there still alive. But you awake and there still gone though you've convinced yourself that they are really just in the world some were beyond your contact and aren't dead and you would rather feel abandoned then feel the idea of death. 2 weeks later you have relatives meeting for the funeral which is just at your moms moms house so grandmas. They've cremated her and put her on a table so that everyone can read the note she left and leave small tokens. You brought no tokens to leave though and feel horrible and continue to delude yourself to the fact that you mom is in a 2 ft tall ceramic jar reduced to ash and continue to play in your mind that these people are all out to get the last laugh on you and your determined to destroy this stupid morbid prank. But when grandma starts to hand you paintings she did and her possessions, your delusion is shattered but only momentarily. You cry, hug grandma, hug dad and gather youe poise all in 5 mins and depart back home were some friends of your parents are waiting with condolences but after 10 mins of it you grow tiered of their sorrys and i hope your doing alright. 2 weeks later your back at school and your friends are asking you why you were gone and all these questions, you tell them straight up and they all look at you like you have some cancer and ask if your alright and you nod your head smiling your delusion hiding the reality because you think you will find them one random day, at some random place, at some random hour. you continue on till your birthday which is were really you think "she's gunna call and say happy birthday and things will be well" ^^ *happy face* but at 3 in the morning you fall asleep crying because no call and your delusion becomes a little weaker. You keep going stopping only when other dramas of life spring up and deal with them other then that you think most things are as should be until your friends start getting girl friends and boy friends and start feeling like you should have wants and needs like you did when you were younger only applied to people. You don;t really care about anything and when some one pays attention to you and say's you good looking or they like you go "thanks, your nice to" smile and make small talk and leave not dropping any hints.... nothing. You don;t care about sports or doing things with your family your friends are on your list because they are your friends but you don;t go out of your way to hang around and have some good old fun you just keep going doing everything as close to standard as possible so as to spend your time thinking about stuff.. anything that crosses your mind. Your what ever age you are and you still don't really know what you believe in the sense of what happened that day part of you says yea she's dead. Well some of you still tries to delusion you into thinking she's still kicking some were. you go on till finally one day you see that, that event changed you quite harsh to the point were you have multiple you's in your head but not the schizophrenia idea just that your thoughts have split up depending on what they are based on. They don't talk but just surface for certain situations and hide away for others. At this point you are determined to just be happy you cut ties from all people except a select few that have been there for you and with you for long time and have the ut most trust in you and you in them.
Suicide, it's like throwing a grenade into the group of people that loves you.
Suicide, it's like throwing a grenade into the group of people that loves you.
For me the shrapnel is still in my heart but just covered up
wow i'm getting quite scattered now...
K well i'll close with that it's such an experience that will either destroy you completely or make you quite righteous and if you have any questions to ask me because like i said i got very scattered >.> i guess that's why I'm not a professional story teller >
